Thursday, December 30, 2021

Twenty Twenty-One in Film

Howdy everyone. Since 2017 (I believe?) I've made one of these year-end lists, ranking all the movies released in the previous year, that I've seen, in order from best to, let's say least-best.

The factors that go into the ranking are all arbitrary, but they include overall quality (obvs), novelty, and rewatchability, as well as many other metrics. For rule sticklers, there are some pre-2021 films in here which were added because their initial release was either outside the U.S., at a film festival, or maybe even both. Add to that COVID's effect on theatrical screenings and my cautious avoidance of the ones there were, and I ended up counting a lot of "released on streaming dates" as "wide release" dates.

There is a method to the madness.

To that end, there are also some short films and some miniseries included on here because that is the way things are trending - streaming services are willing to shell out the moolah for a project, but more easily for a miniseries than a single, non-franchise, average runtime film.

Also, I usually include a poster or other image from the flick, but currently I'm having a lot of fun with that Wombo Dream app, which is an art app which uses artificial intelligence to generate an image based on your prompting, so I've used that to make "movie posters" for the films. Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN Vol. 34 - December 2021

EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN
Vol. 34 - December, 2021

By: “Doc” Hunter Bush, Podcast Czar


Oh boy. Let me just unbuckle my belt here a moment. I’m still full from Friendsgiving. Hope everybody had a nice time at their respective ‘sgivings, and I hope you’re gearing up for another, equally nice end of the year couple of holidays. Or failing that, just maybe some quiet time off. That sounds pretty good, eh?


Well here at Everything Old Is New Again, we’re down with down time, so long as its spend with a movie or TV series (and, following protocol, that it be based on some pre-existing concept, movie, book, or what have you). Being the end of the year, there are slightly fewer offerings, BUT they’re pretty big draws.

Why not just dive in?


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PREMIERS

Flicks coming to screens great and small this month




17th

Nightmare Alley (dir. Guillermo del Toro)
Where: Netflix

I’m pretty in the pocket for Guillermo del Toro. I love the man; his enthusiasm for monsters, film, genre trappings, and romance. And he just seems so huggable, y’know? So I’ll definitely be checking this out. Luckily, it’s the kind of movie that would catch my interest regardless of pedigree. Based on a 1946 novel by William Lindsay Gresham (and having previously been adapted in ‘47 as a noir film starring Tyrone Power) Nightmare Alley is about a conman (Bradley Cooper) in a relationship with a therapist (Cate Blanchette) who swindles a tycoon (Richard Jenkins) out of money promising to reunite him with his long-dead sweetheart, only for the con to go wrong and leave him with no option but to go on the run. I love the circus, and circus stories (Katherine Dunn’s Geek Love is a favorite book of mine), and why wouldn’t I? The circus is everything I love: rubes happily being conned by charlatans, and outcasts given a place where they’re the stars. I feel like these are things GdT enjoys as well (call it an extremely educated guess) as well as stories that ask you to consider just who is manipulating whom? Who is the conman and who is the mark; and is there a difference in the methods if the end result is the same? Plus - lots of cool sideshow folks and special effects! Like I said, I’m already in the pocket for this one. Still not going to a theater, but I’ll catch it as soon as I can.

I also intend to watch the original, which I’ve never seen.


Spider-Man: No Way Home (dir. Jon Watts)
Where: In theaters

The Tom Holland Spider-Man has been a pretty consistent high point in the MCU for me. The tone is usually pretty breezy and except for the inevitable shared-ultiversal creep at the edges, the stories are of a nice scale. In fact the thing I didn’t enjoy about that last Spidey flick was when it tried to get too Big Picture. “Save that for those Avengers movies!”, I practically shouted. Well my metaphorical cries fell on deaf ears as it seems this latest film is all about ~tHe MuLtIvErSe~ but not in a fun, no-strings-attached way like Into the Spider-Verse (where you were given all you NEEDED to know about the characters in relatively slim, well-crafted punches of backstory and worldbuilding). NoNoNO! This seems to be done in the aggravating You-Better-Remember-Every-Relevant-Thing-About-ALL-The-Different-Spiders-Men style that the recent MCU films have been grinding my mind to dust with. You, and I, should be able to pop in an MCU movie with no idea of who these characters are and not be brow-beaten into caring about artificial stakes.  *sigh*

This is the same complaint I have all the time and I’m sorry you have to keep reading it. I’ll move along: if you’re a huge Spidey fan, this kind of looks fun: because of a botched magic spell, ~ThE mUlTiVeRsE~ is beginning to encroach on the regular universe, meaning all kind of villains from previous interpretations of Spider-Man are appearing and attacking Tom Holland, despite the number of logical fallacies (that I’m sure will be hand-waved away) that we’re supposed to ignore in exchange for the ecstasy of seeing Willam Dafoe, Jamie Foxx, Alfred Molina (and perhaps more?) reprising their roles in the current MCU.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I DO like that Molina’s Doctor Octopus seems to become a reluctant ally to Tom Holland’s Spidey, and that there is a metatextual commentary on how these villains all seem to die by Spidey’s hands (because of lazy writing and contract negotiations presumably). I’m sure this will be fun enough, but my enthusiasm for these lore-heavy entertainments is really waning.


21st

Being the Ricardos (dir. Aaron Sorkin)
Where: In theaters / Amazon Prime

This is an odd one. It’s not based on any specific property, but it is inspired by real events from the life of Lucille Ball wherein she was believed to be affiliated with the Communist party apparently without her knowledge or consent. The thing that keeps kicking around my head is “Why now?” Is this a story we’re just dying to have recounted? Is there some specific resonance that this story will have in the larger world at this time? I mean, I know there are more than the usual amount of people discussing Communism right now (mostly because of a misunderstanding of Socialism) but like: ok. So on to the big question: How good do they look? And the answer is …ok. Javier Bardem just isn’t gonna look like Desi Arnaz. Ain’t gonna happen. Nicole Kidman on the other hand, makes a decent Lucy so long as she’s speaking or doing something. Weirdly however, this trailer has a fair amount of Lucy standing still, staring into the middle distance. This is an odd thing especially from writer/director Aaron Sorkin who is primarily known for having his characters walking while talking. Overall though, the effect is like seeing your pals’ couples Halloween costumes: separately you might not recognize them, but side-by-side you totally get it. I will say that Kidman really seems to have a handle on Lucy’s mannerisms and voice. I’m intellectually curious about this one.




22nd

The Matrix: Resurrections (dir. Lana Wachowski)
Where: In theaters

In 1999, the Wachowskis unleashed The Matrix and, for good or ill, culture was never the same. There are a lot of arguments about whether or not art can be interpreted wrong (beauty being in the eye of the beholder and all that) but I think it’s safe to say that if you were going to prove that, The Matrix would be a good place to start building your argument. And then there were two sequels which, while interesting, largely suck. When I heard there was a new installment in the works, I was uninterested/exasperated but I’ve got to tell you, that trailer really got me. So. It seems Mr. Anderson (Keanu Reeves) now going by “Thomas”, is back inside the titular Matrix, being kept sedated with a steady dose of prescription blue pills from his therapist (played by Neil Patrick Harris wearing symbolically blue glasses) but, since he’s The One, he’s able to sense the edges of his reality. Somehow, he bumps into Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) and the resonant harmony of their two souls will awaken yadda yadda yadda.

This is the thing about the Wachowskis: I agree with their POV and enjoy their ideas and world building, but they tend to overstuff their projects with concepts that never seem fully realized (because they don’t often get enough space to do that) so after a while I get a little eye-rolly about it all. To be clear, this is a failing of me or at most a greater failing of me in response to a lesser failing of them. However it happens, “Thomas” will have to relearn all the stuff he once knew and (educated guess) die to pass on the One-ness to either a new One or All Of Humanity, and along the way there will be CGI augmented kung fu and action scenes galore. The thing that absolutely rules about the first Matrix Res trailer is the remix of Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit, which is chopped and screwed in a way that I would normally find a little tedious UNTIL they added in Don Davis’ score from the original Matrix (that sharp little repetitive strings part) at the crescendo. It legitimately gave me chills. Fun fact: I knew that one of the Wachowskis wasn’t involved in the production here, but I’m so used to thinking of them as a pair that I couldn’t remember if it was Lilly or Lana (it’s Lilly btw, and I hope she eventually returns to filmmaking if that’s something she wants to do) but I noticed on IMDb that Christina Ricci will be appearing in this?!?! Sold. I know she was in Speed Racer so it’s not a left field casting choice or cameo appearance or whichever, I’m just always so glad to see her in stuff! Big fan.




29th

The Book of Boba Fett (series)
Where: Disney+

Let me guide you on a journey. Not through Star Wars’ history as an extant property; we’re all sick and tired of that. Instead let me guide you through my emotional journey with regards to Boba Fett. Of course I thought he was cool when I was a kid and he was a crummy little barely-mobile toy that I inherited from my older cousins when they went to college. First of all he looks cool: cool helmet, rocket backpack, the whole shebang. Secondly, in the movies he’s barely there, so you can project all sorts of cool concepts and theories onto him. He was strategically used to better the larger project. He was essentially the Chandler* of the Star Wars universe.

* Chandler from Friends, played by Matthew Perry, but specifically the Chandler from the first 2-ish seasons when all he did was pop into a scene, make some jokes and leave. Before they decided to develop him into a “real character” and he just became tedious.

Cut ahead to the Mouse House Mega Corporation announcing a series called The Mandalorian. Having been inundated with innumerable “Boba Fett is the best character in Star Wars” nonsense takes for decades, I was underwhelmed. BUT THEN. I found out it would be following a NEW character and I was intrigued. Cautiously optimistic, even. Then, watching the show for 2 seasons, becoming invested in the characters and what do they do? They slip Boba-ass Fett into the story AND they do it in such a way that I kind of fall in love with the character all over again. They made him a paunchy, older, war vet who can still whoop a bunch of ass! That’s kind of great! Then they announced the next season of The Manda will actually be a spin-off following Fett and I was kind of hesitant again. I’m worried that they’ll make him into late-period Friends style Chandler and he’ll overstay his welcome (AND start dating Monica? Sheesh, they really found that barrel bottom quick hunh? But I digress) This brings us pretty well up to date.

What’s really interesting about the Book of Boba Tea is that it looks like they’re kind of setting up a mafia style, Unite-The-Families story, which hasn’t really been seen in a galaxy far, far away. I’m all for the tonal experimentation here. The Mandalorian is a straight-up western transposed to this setting and it satisfies in both regards, so I’m really excited for The Godfather but in space. Added Bonus: Jennifer Beals is going to be playing an as yet unnamed character (though in the trailer you can see she’s a Twi’lek, which are the aliens with two long wormy tentacles coming off their heads) and, having just watched Flashdance for the most recent episode of Hate Watch/Great Watch, I’m kind of all in on Ms. Beals right now.


SPOTLIGHT

Recommended movies that, though not exactly new, still meet EOINA criteria




1st

12 Strong: The Declassified True Story of the Horse Soldiers (a.k.a. Them Horse Boyz) (dir. Nicolai Fuglsig)
Where: HBOmax

I actually covered this one way, way back for MovieJawn and, while it’s not a GREAT movie (not NEARLY enough Michael Shannon for starters), it’s a pretty entertaining time and when I saw it was gonna be streaming I got genuinely excited to rewatch it. It has some solid action scenes, an unusual story and a decent cast: besides “Big Chicago” Michael Shannon and lead Horse Boy Chris Hemsworth, there’s Michael Peña, William Fichtner and Rob Riggle! Like I said, it won’t blow your hair back but it might be the perfect thing for a lazy Sunday around the holidays.


The Legend of Zorro (dir. Martin Campbell)
Where: Netflix

Antonio Banderas returns as Don Alejandro de la Vega a.k.a. Zorro, having inherited the big Z from Anthony Hopkins in the previous installment The Mask of Zorro. BUT. If you think having not seen that first film will hinder your understanding or enjoyment of watching Banderas and on screen wife Catherine Zeta-Jones buckle a bunch of swash, you’d be wrong. I haven’t seen it in a l-o-n-g time, but I remember enjoying it.


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Well that about wraps her up for this month, and the year! Thank you for reading, as always, and thanks to MovieJawn for hosting & posting. Please support the MovieJawn Patreon because it helps keep things running smoothly AND as an added bonus, you’ll get access to lots of fun bonus stuff, so: win/win. 

If you’d like to hear more from me, you can find me all around the MovieJawn site, and on every episode of Hate Watch/Great Watch, which I cohost alongside Allison Yakulis. In December, we’ve got episodes on 1974’s porno parody Flesh Gordon, 1983’s aforementioned Flashdance, and 2003’s messy adaptation of Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher!

Until next time, remember: Boba Fett is the Chandler of Star Wars!

And: Long Live the Movies!

Friday, December 10, 2021

The Triplets of Belleville

"The Triplets of Belleville"

By: Hunter Bush


I've been struggling to get my head into this article. I think the issue is that I have no really strong "take" on The Triplets of Belleville. I just really like it. In an era where far too much animation feels homogeneous, the idiosyncrasies in director Sylvain Chomet's caricatures are profoundly charming, the instances of computer-augmented images feel deliberate and carefully chosen. The story is similarly impressive, what with its unusual central character(s), concepts, style and overall POV, but it's all done is an offhand, non-showy way. It's just really very good. Isn't that enough?

The greater part of Triplets is hand drawn and Chomet's style of caricature is fairly unique to long-form animation. It reminds me a little of Bill Plympton's style, but cleaner and for the most part less cynical/satirical. There are critiques of encroaching modernity and American gluttony, but it feels less meanspirited. There are a few instances of computer generated objects (vehicles, the ocean, elaborate fly-overs) but it's the way I generally like CG: as an ingredient, not the whole meal.

As a director, Chomet is fascinated with turn of the previous century entertainment and culture. Triplets of Belleville opens with a musical number featuring representations of Django Reinhardt & Josephine Baker (among, I'm sure, others with whom I'm less familiar). He also has a segment in the live action film Paris, je t'aime  about mimes falling in love and in The Illusionist (2010) an entire animated feature based on an unproduced screenplay from Jacques Tati about how rock 'n' roll killed vaudeville-era stage magic. Chomet's films are largely dialogue-less, so his captivation with mime makes sense.

His films all also have genuine heart in an adult sense. They're emotionally engaged and nostalgic - making them just the slightest bit sad - and don't shy away from complicated bittersweet feelings. In Triplets, a grandmother has to care for her young grandson after his parents pass away and in an effort to connect with the boy, named Champion, sets him on his way to a world class athlete. Champion only has one photo of his parents, posed around their bicycles, so Grandma gets him a tricycle in the prologue. Once the current timeline of the film sets it, Champion has become a cyclist competing in the Tour du France.

What no one could know is that someone is kidnapping cyclists and transporting them to Belleville (a New York City stand-in) where they'll be doped up with an IV drip of wine and used as the lynchpin of an underground gambling ring. It's really something to see this sinister yet still humorous plan reveal itself because, the film being mostly wordless, you have to just allow it to unfold at its own pace. Chomet balances the admittedly dark subject matter - international kidnapping, doping, gambling, there's even gunplay and explosions - with with his strange character designs and genuine charm, plus Bruno, a very cute fat dog who's as devoted to rescuing Champion as Grandma is.

Grandma is very devoted btw. She's absolutely badass in her determination. Champion is her whole world - she's been his coach presumably since childhood, whistle training him, massaging his muscles, managing his diet, all to help him chase his dream and maintain that connection to his parents. So when Champion goes missing, Grandma uses Bruno's sense of smell to track him to the dock and then rents a paddle boat (20 minute time limit!) and gives chase by *paddling across the ocean* to Belleville and resuming her search! I love Grandma. Watching her cresting the rocky waves in the middle of an ocean storm, Bruno sliding around the small boat's deck, I was smiling and cheering with tears in my eyes. It's just lovely.

But how unusual is it to have an animated film whose main character is not just female but, conservatively sexagenarian? On top of that, as I said, she's a genuine heroine. In fact, Bruno aside, the rescue party is ultimately made up entirely of old women who it cannot be understated, absolutely hilariously decimate the organized crime syndicate in a hilarious and spectacular low-speed chase in the film's finale.

The movie ends on an emotionally ambiguous note, with a now much older Champion seeming to watch the climax of the film on television at which time he remembers a few of the film's scant lines of dialogue; an exchange from his childhood that apparently translates to

"Is that it? Is it over do you think? What have you got to say to Grandma?"
"Yes I think that's probably it. It's over, Grandma."

It's bittersweet, nostalgic - making it just the slightest bit sad -, and just  really very good. Isn't that enough?



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This piece was written for inclusion in the 
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Saturday, November 13, 2021

EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN, Vol. 33 - November 2021

Everything Old Is New Again
Vol. 33 - November, 20211

By Hunter Bush, Podcast Czar




It’s always a smidge bittersweet to put Halloween in the rear view each year. A sting that’s traditionally only soothed by the promise of the good food and large, familial gatherings usually highlighted within the back pages of the calendar. These are, as we’ve all become accustomed to saying, unprecedented times however and that might not be any more advisable this year than it was last year. I may be earning a reputation as a doomsayer and a scold, but I’m also proudly one of the ever-dwindling number of people who have not contracted any form or variant of covid *knocks wood*.

I know, I know; you’re not here to get beaten about the head and neck with my opinions on anything OTHER THAN movies, and I respect that. I just wanted to take one more moment to politely request that everyone please continue to behave as though we are still not out of the woods yet because, unfortunately, that IS the case. Be safe, wear a mask, get the vaccine if you haven’t - or a booster if you’re able - and use caution when considering large holiday gatherings.

Okay. There, I’m done. Let’s talk about movies! Here at Everything Old Is New Again, the focus is pre-existing IP (Intellectual Properties) and the movies or TV series based upon them. If it started out as a book, a song, a play, or even an older film or TV project, it’s EOINA material. I watch the available trailers and give my rundown of what I know of the project and the IP it’s based on, before finally describing my personal level of enthusiasm for it.

My hope is that my li’l column might expose you to some upcoming entertainment you weren’t aware of, or allow you to approach it with a slightly more enlightened view of its origins. Then down at the bottom, I’ll have a SPOTLIGHT for some older EOINA appropriate flicks that, though they’re not exactly new, still fully get my recommendation. Let’s get started!


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PREMIERS

Flicks and series coming to screens great and small this month


4th



Eternals (dir. Chloé Zhao)
Where: In theaters

Based on a series of Marvel comics that have been around forever but never quite hit the kind of popularity that some of their peers did, my recollection of the Eternals' whole deal is a little spotty. They’re a race not unlike humans except with fantastical super powers. Unlike the Marvel concept of “mutants” who get their powers from genetic mutation, the Eternals exist as the result of tampering from godlike beings from space called Celestials. I think. And iirc, they are known as “Eternals” because at some point they just stop aging and are immortal. These trailers look very pretty actually and the tone struck in them is nice; very grand. Like a Greek epic but with laser eyes and ropey CGI dragon monsters. Oh, the monsters are called Deviants and according to the copious narration here, they’re the reason the Eternals are here: because the Deviants pose a threat to us regular degular humans and those Celestials I mentioned before have charged the Eternals with protecting us. They’re not supposed to interfere with human events unless a Deviant is involved which handily explains why these super powerful, long-lived characters didn’t show up when the big grape-flavored Bruce Willis-looking Thanos showed up and annihilated half the population. Coincidentally however, the energy of all those souls being returned to existence is what has set …some vague threat in motion. A threat the Eternals have seven days to stop. Wow, now that I’m typing this out, these trailers have laid A LOT of road for audiences before we’ve even set foot (hypothetically) in theaters. My guess is that the overall message of the movie - as much as a Marvel movie is capable of having a message beyond “see the next one!” - will be about how we’re all connected. They’ll of course be talking about humans and Eternals, but I have a feeling that message may be applicable to normal humans just as well. It is honestly refreshing to see a Marvel movie with some kind of feeling of life in it - there are shots of Sprite (Lia McHugh) performing some kind of maybe play or magic show (?) and I’ve heard that Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani) will be involved in a dance number (?!). I’d still like more color from these films, but director Chloé Zhao seems to, visually, be making the semi-monotonous palette work in her favor, giving the flick a sun-baked sword-and-sandals epic feel despite not really containing much by way of traditional sword-and-sandals tropes (at least, as far as I can tell). The heroes will still be fighting a lot of janky-looking CG villains and yadda-yadda-yadda; the usual MCU nonsense, but I’m hoping maybe this will feel …different? Still not going to a theater for it though.


7th



Dexter: New Blood (weekly series) (dir. Marcos Siega, others?)
Where: Showtime

Back in 2006 Showtime began a series based on Jeff Lindsay’s 2004 novel ‘ Darkly Dreaming Dexter ‘, about blood spatter analyst by day/vigilante serial killer by night Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall) which ended after eight seasons with Dexter riding off on a small boat (maybe a raft?) into a raging storm at sea. This ten-episode miniseries picks up ten years after the events of that night, with Dexter living in Alaska. The trailer gets points for using Iggy Pop’s song ‘ The Passenger ‘ in it because that’s not only a great song but thematically references Dexter’s “dark passenger” (as he calls his urge to kill). Sadly it immediately loses these points by slowing the song down and generally giving it the “chopped and screwed” treatment to make it fit better with the weird musical fetishes of our times. Blerg. So, Dex is dating the town sheriff, a relationship that is great for dramatic irony and also allows him to be up to date on missing persons, giving him potential serial killers to continue to hunt - to satiate his “dark passenger” - and is generally a really good setup for a mini series! Smart stuff! It seems kids have started to go missing and Dex may be hallucinating his sister (Jennifer Carpenter) as a manifestation of his conscience. (SIDEBAR: Did she die in the original series? I don’t recall.) Anyway, the New Blood of the title refers to both Dex breaking his kill-fast but also to his son (Jack Alcott) showing up… in Alaska. My guess is: the kid is having his own “dark passenger” problems and needs daddy’s guidance (which is a nice thematic bookend for Dexter’s own life story, yadda yadda yadda). Also Clancy Brown is in this! So I will DEF be watching …if someone could let me borrow their Showtime login. Pretty please?


11th



Ghostbusters: Afterlife (dir. Jason Reitman)
Where: In theaters


The hotly anticipated sequel to 2016’s Ghostbusters, I find it very interesting that I’m not seeing hide nor hair of any of the original cast (played by Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Kristen Wiig - alphabetical by last name). This is actually a pretty smart tactic in my opinion, as I feel too many trailers reveal too much of the film! This could even just be footage taken from a cold open largely unrelated to the main plot! That’s exciting, isn’t it, to not know exactly what you’re going to get? I guess no one in Hollywoo thinks so because this is just one long nostalgia jerkoff session that ends with you wiping goopy Stay Puft residue off of your face. Seriously, “we” (and I use the term loosely) had a problem with women Ghostbusters but not kid Ghostbusters? Where are all the outraged fanboys asking how those kids can drive the Ecto-1 so well? The plot here seems to be that, I guess Egon (Harold Ramis, R.I.P.) moved to the midwest and had kids who had grandkids and now the grandkids have found all of his still-functional Ghostbuster stuff? And the town they live in is essentially a Hellmouth from Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a temple of I’m guessing Gozer the Gozerian (because not only do we get those big gargoyley dog-monsters here in less-impressive CGI than the original practical versionms, but also because why take a chance on inventing a new thing that people might not immediately recognize when you can recycle the old stuff back at them?) in a mineshaft under it. And of course the kids figure it out (with some help from Paul Rudd?) and have to save the day. I get that “everybody” (and I use the term loosely) loved Stranger Things but can we just, please try some new fucking ideas in Hollywoo? This A Pup Named Scooby-Doo version of Ghostbusters is an immediate turn off for me. I’m skipping it and watching the original 3 films instead.



12th



Home Sweet Home Alone (dir. Dan Mazer)
Where: Disney+


In 1990, director Chris Columbus and screenwriter John Hughes conspired on a concept so genius that it sounds silly: what if this home invasion film was a family comedy? It launched the career of Macaulay Culkin (he of Pizza Underground fame) and generally speaking, has more sequels than you remember. Well, throw one more on the pile as we generally rehash the plot of the original. It’s the holidays and everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off and in all the confusion and meshugas of packing they forgot to pack one of the kids (Archie Yates as Max)! On top of that, Ellie Kemper and Rob Delaney have decided to break in for some reason (?) so Max has no other option (read: several other options) besides violent bodily harm. And you know what? I’m (largely) fine with it. They make a point of having mom (Aisling Bea) mention that the family had been split onto two flights which is a much better excuse for misplacing a kid than in the original which was …none? My biggest question is that Kemper & Delaney don’t seem to be capital-C “Criminals” so much as “regular people committing a criminal act for some unspecified reason”, which makes it a smidge harder for me to enjoy watching them get injured. Speaking of, the trailer shows almost no harm coming to Kemper, as I guess regardless of circumstances audiences are adverse to watching women get bodily harmed for the sake of comedy, which begs the question: why have a lady burglar at all? But I digress. It’s a little hard to tell from the trailer but the defenses better 1) be violent and 2) look brutal or else, really, what are we even doing here? I’m not champing at the bit for this one, but I won’t be mad if a roommate wants to watch it.


17th



Hit Monkey (series)
Where: Hulu

Another Marvel property, this time one I’m even less familiar with (though to be fair, it’s a lot more recent than Eternals), Hit Monkey is a hitman and a monkey and is apparently being guided by the ghost of a human hitman (Jason Sudekis) in a quest for vengeance! The tone of this falls somewhere between Archer and Venture Bros. for me, which is a good thing, and having a woman (Olivia Munn, I believe) saying things like “He’s one of the good guys” and “He’s going to save us all!” …about a monkey dressed like John Wick is pretty fun. My only issue was that the camera work in the trailer footage was really shaky, I guess going for that gritty handheld feel, but whoo boy was I getting carsick watching it. Maybe it’ll be better coming out of a TV a greater distance across the room from me, or maybe I’ll just end up skipping the whole thing but I’ll definitely be checking it out.


19th



Wheel of Time (series)
Where: Prime


Okay, so my knowledge of this property is pretty nebulous but as far as I know: The Wheel of Time is a high fantasy 14-book magnum opus begun by Robert Jordan and finished, after Jordan’s death, by Brandon Sanderson guided by Jordan’s copious notes. Despite my owning maybe eight of the books, I have read none (I bought them because other authors I like spoke highly of both Jordan and the series specifically). So, “high fantasy” means things like swords, sorcery, elves, and the like. I know the series has at least two of those, so… The footage here looks appropriately grand in scale and there are some very intriguing, unique visuals (the woman rising from the water with paint on it which stains her skin and armor?) that make me personally interested in seeing what it’s all about. I love worldbuilding and I can only presume that a series based on tens of thousands of pages of story will have lots of it, I just hope it’s interesting and handled well. The broad strokes plot seems to be about someone discovering they have a special power (known apparently by many names in different parts of the world) and being one of the many women who wield it to protect that world. Of course some vague “great battle” is coming - there are monstrous looking creatures on horseback, a creeping blackness, and some pale thing in a cloak with a mouth like a lamprey - and these women will have to stop it. The concept of the titular wheel of time is, I guess, that ages and civilizations come and go and, to quote Leonard Nimoy from that Simpson episode “the cosmic ballet goes on”, but there’s a moment in the trailer showing visual repetitions of wheels/circles/rings that I find very interesting. I’ll be checking this out for sure.

Cowboy Bebop (series)
Where: Netflix

Originally broadcast in Japan during the end of the ‘90s, Cowboy Bebop made a new generation of fans thanks to being rebroadcast on Adult Swim in 2001. An animated crime noir in space, the series follows the crew of the spaceship Bebop who, for the most part, are somewhat legal bounty hunters (but also a super hacker and an adorable pup!). Of all the properties this month, CB is what I’m most excited for. The most recent trailer - a.k.a. The Lost Session, which plays like a cold open - showcases the relationship dynamics between the three main characters (Daniella Pineda as Faye, John Cho as Spike, and Mustafa Shakir as Jet) as well as teasing some of Spike’s backstory, and showing off a 4th wall-breaking cinematography that is vivid, colorful, and fun. The original animated CB is fantastic, and honestly unrepeatable, but if the crew is as invested in making something interesting and vibrant as they seem to be, this will be able to stand on its own, which is the most you can ask of an adaptation.


24th



Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (dir. Johannes Roberts)
Where: In theaters


The Resident Evil franchise began life as the genre-defining “survival horror” game of 1996 (known as Biohazard in its home country, Japan) which spawned at least seven video game sequels, comics, novels, animated series’, and notably a six-film live action film franchise lead by Mila Jovovich. Holy schnikes, y’all! This takes the goddamn cake for absolutely boneheaded music drops! Similar to the way they massacred my boy ‘ The Passenger ‘ in that Dexter trailer, there is a slower and slightly remixed version of, I kid you not, 4 Non Blondes’ ‘ What’s Going On? ‘ in this trailer! Hahaha…what?! I honestly absorbed very little of the trailer after that point. It’s all I can focus on! Like, imagine that meeting:

    Executive: “That trailer needs a song in it. Something recognizable (but edited so as to be different), that’s what the youth demographic is into these days…”
    Creative: “Oh okay, I’ll find something spooky. Something with the right vibe…”
    Executive:  “How about that “What’s Going On?” song from the ‘90s?”
    Creative: “...”
    Executive: “The one in that He-Man video everybody loved (about 2 decades ago)?”
    Creative: “I …don’t think that …will work.”
    Executive: “Well we don’t pay you to think.”
    Creative: “In fact, that is EXACTLY what you pay me for.”
    Executive: “Okay, so we’re in agreement.”
    Creative: “What?”

And then maybe they kiss? That’s what happens in slash fiction, right? Kissing? ANYway: before all my senses fled my consciousness due to the cognitive dissonance of that song pared with that footage, it seemed like the play here was to make a prequel (it’s set in 1998) that, if this doesn’t spawn a franchise, could just as easily take place before the Mila Jovovich set of films, BUT if it DOES make bank and “demand” sequels, could just as easily go it’s own way. The plot seems to largely follow that of the 2nd Resident Evil game (which I believe is the most well-known, but don’t quote me on that) involving Claire Redfield (Kaya Scodelario) arriving in the titular Raccoon City to investigate a contamination event involving the Umbrella megacorporation that has turned much of the populace into (essentially) zombies, as well as unleashing some other creatures, here rendered in absolutely horsecrap-level CGI. I will forget this movie is coming out by the time I finish this article, and will eventually stumble across it on some streaming platform down the road, watch it and think “That was …fine.”

Hawkeye (series)
Where: Disney+

Yet another Marvel property, this time spun directly off of the very financially successful Avengers films. During the five years that half the population of the world had vanished, Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) created a new persona: Ronin, and did the thing that antiheroes do so they can feel like good guys while indulging in their sociopathic desire for violence: beating up criminals. (This is really a theme this month, hunh? Both Dexter and Hit Monkey are on that same trip). Only now, those particular underworld chickens have come home to roost and Hawkeye has to go on the run to keep his family safe this holiday season. Along the way, he meets Kate (Haylee Steinfeld) who in the comics eventually also goes by the name Hawkeye sometimes. (SIDEBAR: The MCU movies are setting up a whole “Young Avengers” thing since the original Avengers’ contracts are largely up or nearing their end and they need to keep the brand alive. In the comics, the whole Young Avengers thing pops up from time to time to rejuvenate the universe, add fresh characters and entice younger readers so they can become lifers like me. Kids: Don’t do it. Comics are great and all, but you need variety or your brain will turn to pudding and you’ll get mad that there are female Ghostbusters or some shit.) The tone of this series looks decent. Renner has experience playing street-level brawler-type heroes and in general the MCU TV series’ have been a little better about balancing tone even though they usually culminate in disappointing endings since they’re contractually not really allowed to end ever? As for when I’ll watch it: I’ll get to it eventually. I honestly still have to finish Falcon & Winter Soldier, which slowed down for me so I watched Loki instead and that was much more my speed. And I’ve heard that What If…? may actually impact continuity so I guess I’ll be forced to watch that too. Sweet Satan, give me strength!


SPOTLIGHT

Recommended flicks that, though not quite new releases, still meet EOINA criteria



1st


Moneyball (2011) (dir. Bennett Miller)
Where: Hulu

I, and I cannot stress this enough, have no interest in baseball. I live in a city that has won the occasional championship, and when that happens I’m happy for them and for all Philadelphians, but I’m not one to hop on a bandwagon. I also could not care less about statistics; not a stocks guy, not a gambler, nothing like that. Having said all of that, I legit l-o-v-e Moneyball. The performances are across the board fantastic, the direction is top notch, the cinematography (by Wally Pfister!) is (unsurprisingly) gorgeous, etc. Most of all, something about the rhythm of the film (editing by Christopher Tellefsen) is just hypnotic and relaxing, making it a movie I’d gladly sink into for an afternoon. No one is more surprised than myself that I love a movie about baseball statistics this much.


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And there you have it. All the news that’s fit to print, as they used to say. Lot of vigilantes. Lot of bad music. Lot of Marvel. I’m so tired.

If you’re not sick of my thoughts and opinions, you can find me on every episode of Hate Watch/Great Watch, which I regularly co host with Allison Yakulis (though she is on leave for the time being and our pal Tina Dillon has been filling in). In November we’ve got episodes coming up on Disney’s Jamaican bobsled Olympics dramedy Cool Runnings (1993) and the answering machine-centric made for TV thriller Lisa (1989). Both great episodes.

Support the MovieJawn Patreon for all sorts of cool stuff, with more coming all the time. Thank you as always for reading! Please drop a comment below or get in touch on social media - you can follow me on twitter, instagram, or letterboxd - about the column (or just to chat about movies). Please enjoy your holidays safely, for your benefit as well as everyone else’s. Talk soon.

Long Live the Movies!



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This piece was written for MovieJawn, a fabulous site where you can find tons of other excellent movie-centric writings, a shop where you can subscribe to the quarterly physical zine, or listen to me on the  Hate Watch / Great Watch  podcast! Support the MovieJawn Patreon here!

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Friday, October 15, 2021

EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN, Vol. 32 - October 2021

Everything Old Is New Again
Volume 32 - October 2021

by Hunter Bush



Finally, the time has come! The spooky season is truly here! I know we crossed into "autumn" a few weeks ago, but it wasn't until now that I've begun to truly see the signs: My neighbor set up a giant spider on the front of their home, the local beer distributor has a bumper crop of seasonally spiced and labelled brews, and best of all, one day I pried the lid off my coffin and woke to find ...that it was chilly! So I spent the morning sipping coffee in my flannel robe! It finally feels like fall!

Did you see the Elvira 40th Anniversary special on Shudder? It was wonderful! I had actually watched Mistress of the Dark a few months back (and loved it) so I was primed for Elvira to invade my living room. She's so fabulous and pithy, and her horror host style included randomly popping into the movies to make the occasional snarky comment and I l-o-v-e-d it! I would love it if Shudder did two things: I would love for Elvira to get her own series a la The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs (and Darcy the Mail Girl), and I'd love for Shudder to give more horror hosts specials and expose them to a wider audience! I think those are very good ideas and I think Shudder should hire me. So three things.

But we're not here to talk about that, this is Everything Old Is New Again so we're here to talk about the Adaptations, Remakes, and Long-Gap Sequels based on other works that will be coming to screens great and small in the month of October, the year of our dark lord 2021. How I run things is: I watch the trailers, try to parse out what I think the movie/series is doing, and give my opinion on how it looks and if I'll see it. I'll also, down at the bottom include a few films that aren't new, but are still EOINA-friendly material that I'd like to shine a spotlight on.

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PREMIERS

All the brand new flicks and series coming to your eyes


1st



The Many Saints of Newark (dir. Alan Taylor)
Where: In theaters / HBO Max

All opinions expressed in this column are my own personal ones, obviously, AND I don't mean to yuck anyone's yum but before watching this trailer, I just did not get this. I enjoyed The Sopranos well enough (it has it's ups and downs for me) but at no point did I ever wonder "exactly how did Tony get into the business?" Not only because we've seen this concept explored in different mafia films, but even the show itself kind of covers it in degrees, right? You see characters coming up, finding their way, balancing their asperations with their ...desire not to be killed. It's, as the saying goes, a tale as old as time. BUT, there's just something about an organized crime story, which is a fundamentally American story, that appeals to most people. Add to that the candy coating of "IP characters I am already somewhat familiar with" and this seems like it'll be a hit. To be fair, it looks good. The use of The Flying Lizzards' song "Money" is a little jarring with the on screen visuals, which are largely of the '60s & '70s while "Money" was released in '79 and is inexorably linked to the 1980s. Having said all of the above, I think weirdly that now might be the exact right place for a prequel film to The (massively popular, but off the air for 14 years) Sopranos, which aired from 1999 - 2007, to drop: during the initial quarantine lockdowns, my social media feeds were awash in folks rewatching the series end-to-end, or finally finding the time to devote to the 86 episode juggernaut. So we'll see. I personally will give it a glance, but it's not super high on my list, especially heading towards Hallowe'en; it's just not the energy I'm after right now.


Venom: Let There Be Carnage (dir. Andy Serkis?!?)
Where: In theaters



Meh. I never ended up seeing the original Venom (2018) so I'm not in much of a hurry to see Let There Be Carnage, both based on characters and storylines from assorted Marvel Comics' Spider-Man series. I think I'm just extremely, bone-deep weary from all these CGI fight scene movies. If I'm looking at something and I know it's going to be nothing but a more expensive cartoon, I'm kind of bored of it. Granted, there's not really any way to do Venom, or Carnage for that matter, without a pantload of computer visualizations, so then the draw for me becomes the non-CGI monster-fight moments. I like Tom Hardy but this trailer doesn't make anything about this movie seem appealing to me. It seems to me to be about duality: Eddie Brock (Hardy) and Venom (also Hardy, but doing a Dr. Claw voice), or Cletus Kassidy (Woody Harrelson) and his hairpiece. Seriously though, the "humor" in this largely didn't work for me: Eddie sees that his ex is now engaged and that's, like, a thing? My dude, you have an alien monster symbiote that lives in your body and mind; you have bigger fish to fry. Get over yourself and get your whole alter ego thing straightened out. I did like that Venom is apparently afraid of Carnage because Carnage is a different species/breed of symbiote, but that's not enough to get me in theaters.


6th

V/H/S '94 (dirs. Simon Barrett, Chloe Okuno, Ryan Prows, Jennifer Reeder, Timo Tjahjanto)
Where: Shudder

The V/H/S anthology series began in 2012, with 2 further installments in 2013 & 2014 respectively. Now, after a 6+ year gap, we're getting another. The framing device here seems to be a SWAT team entering some cult-ish compound and (I presume) finding a bunch of videotapes, which will contain short found footage horror stories in bite-size installments from the directors listed above who are responsible for such flicks as Knives & Skin, The Guest, The Night Comes For Us and tons more. The cut up nature of the trailer doesn't give me a ton of idea what the shorts will be about, though one seems to be set in a funeral home during a black out, there's one that seems heavily medical in nature (and may be linked to the bit near the end where someone affixes an Mega Man-style arm cannon to themselves), and there's some good, old fashioned creeping through some underground tunnels with a monster nearby. All in all this looks really fun, though the nature of all anthologies means that there will be ups and downs. Personally, I'm super excited! 



Aside: Last year I began a tradition in my house - Mt. Mausoleum - of picking themes for each day of October, to guide our spooky viewing. I made a new one for 2021 and was sure to include one spot specifically for a horror movie from the current year and I think, this time, I'm going to vote for V/H/S '94. I've included this year's in case you'd like some ideas:













8th



Muppets Haunted Mansion (dir. Kirk R. Thatcher)
Where: Disney+

Do I need to explain much about this one? It's the Muppets in a spooky Haunted Mansion (I mean, it's specifically the Disney one, but I've never been so I don't really care about the specifics of that)! It's got Will Arnett sporting a w-i-l-d moustache! It's got Taraji P. Henson moving around ethereally! It's got Danny Trejo winking at you! I guess the plot is that if Gonzo and Pepe can last all night in the Mansion, they'll get something (unclear) but if they fail they'll be trapped in the Mansion forever! The assorted other Muppets are playing various ghost parts. It's seems adorable and I'm sold.


Joe Bob's Halloween Hoedown (dir. Austin Jennings)
Where: Shudder


I have, of course, been a vocal proponent of Joe Bob Briggs and his return to screens in the recent years. In short he is someone I grew up with in reruns late night on the USA Network or TNT, and he helped open my eyes to genre cinema's highs and lows. I've diligently watched along with all of his specials and regular episodes so far on his Shudder run and even went to see the in-person Last Drive-In Mutantfest at the Mahoning Drive-In over the summer with some fellow mutants and MovieJawn Jawnies. No idea what films he'll be screening, but I will be there!






12th

Chucky (series)
Where: SyFy / the USA Network

This weekly series from Chucky originator Don Mancini starts with the premise that Jake (Zackary Arthur) finds a vintage (or "retro") Chucky doll at a yard sale. He brings it home to discover that even though it's talking and moving, it doesn't have any batteries! You see, as you may know and Jake will surely discover, Chucky is the spirit of a serial killer contained via voodoo in the form of a child's toy. I remember hearing some time ago that this series would continue where the films had left off, which involves a lot of hide-the-soul and even multiple dolls! And Jennifer Tilly! I don't want to spoil anything, even by theorizing, but the Child's Play/Chucky franchise has never failed to throw curveballs and surprises at fans, of which I'm firmly one. So if you're tuning in as I am, expect some big swings. Plus: Devon Sawa! 

15th


Halloween Kills (dir. David Gordon Green)
Where: In theaters / Peacock 

There once was a disturbed young boy named Michael Meyers. In 1979 he escaped containment, killed several people and attacked a babysitter named Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) who managed to fend him off. Then - if director David Gordon Green's timeline is the one you prefer - for a long time nothing happened. Until 2019, when the Michael escaped containment again and went to find Laurie. But she'd been ready and had filled her house with boobytraps, ultimately caging him in the basement and burning the house down around him. Somehow, he survived and, in this sequel which picks up immediately after the first, is still gunning for Laurie, but now also her daughter Karen (Judy Greer) and granddaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak) and, according to some expositional dialogue in this trailer, all the other people who narrowly avoided being killed by him on that night 40 years ago. I personally really enjoyed DGG's Halloween 2019, but didn't feel the need for sequels. But since we are in fact getting two, what I'm interested in is not mucking around in the tropes of the past by bringing back characters from the original. What I want is new cannon: have Laurie, Karen & Allyson work together to bring Michael Meyers down! I wanna watch Judy Greer whoop his big, mute ass with a fireplace poker! Let Andi Matichak whallop him all day with a surgical 2x4! And then let Jamie Lee Curtis pull his mask off and end this thing. I'm personally not going to theaters right now, but this is one of the films I'm most excited to see.


I Know What You Did Last Summer (series)
Where: Amazon Prime

This looks... fine. In a real case of "It Is What It Is", this is exactly what you expect from a TV series aimed at youths based on the book and movie of the same title. A group of friends on the eve of graduation accidentally kill someone with their car and dispose of the body. A year later however, someone begins taunting and tormenting them with knowledge of their crimes. As this is a series, these events will unfold slowly, across many weeks and occasionally be shoved to the wayside as these kids deal with interpersonal troubles (there's some voice over in the trailer of some female voice saying "You're totally fake. Sociopath. Drug addict. All you do is lie." before culminating with "You had sex with the one person I love." and while, yeah, that sucks, in a similar vein to Venom: You've got bigger fish to fry! This looks trashy in a way that appeals to me, but there's a lot of other series in a similar vein, so this one is low on my list unless I end up hearing great things.


28th

Horror Noire (series)
Where: Shudder

Hot on the heels of the 2019 documentary Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror, this anthology series is bringing more eyes and greater exposure to black voices in the milieu of horror. I unfortunately couldn't find a trailer for this series, but it's still supposedly dropping on the 28th. Here's hoping!


29th


Antlers (dir. Scott Cooper)
Where: In theaters

Originally set to be released in April of last year, and having endured two release date reschedulings, it seems Antlers is maybe finally perhaps ready to be seen. Based on Nick Antosca's story The Quiet Boy, this is a take on the myth of the wendigo, a hungry spirit that targets people in lonely places. Antlers is focused on Lucas (Jeremy T. Thomas) who seems to be caring for someone or something that may be infected by the wendigo. When it gets loose, everything goes right to hell and local law enforcement (Jesse Plemons) and a teacher (Keri Russell) get involved, as well as a local man with knowledge of the wendigo (Graham Greene). I've written about Antlers before (maybe multiple times?) and have been eagerly awaiting seeing it, but at this point I can wait a little bit longer for VOD.

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SPOTLIGHT

A few EOINA-friendly entertainments to spookify your October.


11th

Nosferatu, the Vampyre (1979) (dir. Werner Herzog)
Where: Shudder

Actually the first version of Nosferatu I ever saw (having confused it on the video store shelf with the original), Werner Herzog's loving tribute to Murnau's 1922 silent film is beautiful. Nosferatu was based on Bram Stoker's story Dracula, but was made without rights, so the names were changed. Herzog allegedly began production on his on the day that Dracula entered the public domain so he would be able to use all the original names, and tread as close to the original text as he'd like. Klaus Kinski plays the titular vampyre with pathos and depth. While Herzog saw Nosferatu as a metaphor for change, Kinski viewed him as sympathetic and drives by forces out of his control. I haven't seen it in approximately a million years but I'm really interested in viewing it now that I have more familiarity with Herzog.


18th


Children of the Corn (1984) (dir. )
Where: Shudder

Based on the Stephen King story and co-starring friend of MovieJawn Courtney Gaines, Children of the Corn follows an unlucky couple (played by Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton) whose car breaks down in a small middle American town where a cult of children kill any and all adults, in service of their spooky eldritch deity He Who Walks Behind the Rows. This is pretty high on my list of ideal spooky season group viewing: it's the right vibe, has plenty of fun and scares and, most important to a group viewing experience, downtime in which to goof on the movie. This is classic, pre-meta horror stuff: these characters are undeniably in a horror movie and yet they remain blissfully unaware until it is almost entirely too late. Absolute chef's kiss of a movie here, folks.

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That's as good a note to end on as any, I suppose. If any of these flicks are on your personal watchlist, let me know what you think of 'em, and if you've got an October watchlist, share it my way, why dontcha?

Thank you for reading this, as always, and if you'd like more from me - aside from the many articles I have floating around on MovieJawn - you can catch me on Hate Watch/Great Watch the podcast I cohost, where we've got episodes on the Brucesploitation flick The Dragon Lives Again (a.k.a. Deadly Hands of Kung Fu) (1977) and the film that all but defines the phrase "troubled production" Wes Craven's werewolf mess Cursed (2005).

Until next time, stay spooky and Long Live the Movies!

Friday, September 17, 2021

"ESCAPE FROM AREA 51" (2021)

ESCAPE FROM AREA 51 (2021)
Directed by Eric Mittleman
Written by Ted Chalmers, Mittleman, Carlos Perez
Starring Donna D’Errico, Chris Browning, Anouk Samuel, Chloe Amen
Running time 76 minutes
Currently unrated but contains bodies exploding and juvenile horniness

By Hunter Bush


In many ways I am much like Sesame Street mainstay Oscar the Grouch: I’m grumpy, I think educating children is important, I might be a Time Lord, and most germane to this article: I Love Trash. So when the opportunity comes across my desk (kitchen table) to review Escape from Area 51, a film starring former Baywatch babe Donna D’Errico and seemingly inspired by the Let’s Storm Area 51 movement, I’m into it. Sounds awful.

And it is, but in a harmless way. Are you familiar with the Kids Write Jokes twitter account? This is like that: yes the jokes are terrible; they barely make sense, they lack universal appeal or POV, they’re clumsily phrased, BUT they’re not hurting anybody and once in a while you get a chuckle out of one, so occasionally you toss a ❤ their way.

Escape from Area 51 is like that. It lacks focus, most of the characters are vague-yet-awful, the direction is sloppy, the locations are confusing and the plot is generic at best BUT it’s not doing anyone any harm by existing, I’m guessing it was fun to make and there are a few shining moments that give it some small watchability. Honestly my biggest issue with it is that it gives the impression that director/co-writer Eric Mittleman was trying to make a bad movie and that always rankles me. There’s a fine line in making art, it’s labelled “not giving a shit” and on one side is that kind of scrappy punk rock ethos where you’re just chasing your bliss and hoping it finds an audience. The other side of that line is shit like Velocipastor where if you like it, great, fine whatever, but if you don’t then you just don’t get that they were making it bad “on purpose”. Escape comes dangerously close to that kind of vibe.

Shot, acted and largely written like a basic cable late night softcore picture, but without any sex to excise and thus no chemistry, Escape from Area 51 starts off as a faux-documentary about that brief, stupid moment in the discourse when some Extremely Online types hyped themselves into a froth over the belief that if enough of them did the Naruto run (or whatever) at a heavily monitored and guarded military base, they would be able to ...effect change? Steal a UFO? Matter? Something. This all came to naught, which some text on screen mentions, as only a few hundred people showed up and they were more concerned with putting on a bobo Burning Man than, y’know, getting executed in the sand trying to commit a felony against heavily armed guards. Some would probably say that’s the smarter option; I think it’s just a different flavor of dumb.

The first 5 minutes of Escape from Area 51 are a very strange guided tour style narration from an alien voice potentially explaining why all the aliens will be appearing as humans throughout the runtime (when not being clipart dancing alien gifs that I’m only 80% sure were supposed to represent real aliens) before transitioning to the documentary stuff. This briefly follows a handful of Area 51 stormers in footage that I think was actually real. Whether Mittleman was filming it in hopes of capturing some watershed moment for the human race or maybe he just bought the footage from a friend, it doesn’t matter because - we are told - “they all died, so we need some other subjects to follow”. That’s when we meet Ernest (Caleb Thomas) a vlogger (*) travelling with his friends Jason (Zeke Jones) and Molly (Chloe Amen) to the proposed Area 51 insurrection. He records a brief vlog promising to tell Molly how he feels. This would have you believe he is, if not the main character then at least the main human of the group. This will prove not to be true. In a stunning final moment reveal (that's sarcasm but I think I should have hit it harder), Molly ends up being adopted by the aliens in a move that I think is supposed to be empowering/feminist but comes from nowhere, makes no sense, and is entirely devoid of meaning.

(*) A brief note on the faux documentary angle. Once Ernest is introduced recording vlog number 1, you would think that would be a through-line but it’s not. He only records 3 in total and the gap between him recording the 1st and the 2nd is so great, and so much happens that he completely does not explain to his “viewers”. He’s just all the sudden talking about “Sheera” and “the aliens” and whatever the hell else but makes a point to mention that he still hasn’t confessed his feelings to Molly. Dude: nobody cares. Not your fictional viewers IN the movie, not the viewers OF the movie, and clearly not the three (THREE!) credited writers.

Ernest however is somehow responsible for a power outage which allows captive alien Sheera (Donna D’Errico) to titularly escape from Area 51, which somehow also puts her on the radar of her nemesis Sklarr (Chris Browning). D’Errico and Browning are the high points of the picture for me. D’Errico has an effortless quality to her on screen which projects the feeling that she was having a blast making this; being silly and sexy in the woods with friends. Browning also is really Doing Something with his performance as Sklarr. It’s quirky and honestly fun to watch even if some moments tread kind of close to Beldar the Conehead territory.

There isn’t much plot to speak of. Low budget horror movie fans will be familiar with the pitfalls Escape lumbers into: a meandering story that goes in circles with the occasional injection of deadmeat characters to increase stakes and give characters something to do. Despite the aliens having a bunch of weapons and abilities that can kind of do anything (teleportation bubble, torture ray, melting field, explosion beam, etc.) they all sort of just bop around the same cabin for a while and not a whole lot happens. The vast majority of the onscreen effects are some cheap, cheap, cheap looking gifs too, with the exception of the first guys Sheera encounters after teleporting out of Area 51: a couple of anachronistically hillbilly-esque potential rapists. The one, in the picture’s only really impressive effect, ends up a melted skeleton that looks like the Tarman zombie from Return of the Living Dead, except coated in viscera rather than tar.

The script at least pays lip service to giving the characters arcs with Ernest making a heel turn and all the sudden deciding not to believe Sheera without hearing Sklarr’s side of things, only to immediately make an about-face in the following scene and apologize for not believing her. I should probably mention to you since it’s so incredibly nuanced and subtle, AND fits into this story without a single rough edge (that’s sarcasm, did I hit it hard enough?) that Ernest’s arc (as it were) parallels the Believe Women movement and related current cultural evolutions. The only thing that saves this clunky social commentary moment is how little impact either thing makes. It’s set up and then resolved so fast that it barely makes a ripple.

About 20 minutes into Escape from Area 51, Molly asks “Is it too early to start drinking?” and I looked at my watch (phone) and it was 11:23 am and I said aloud “Good question, Molly.” Escape from Area 51 is amateurish, occasionally baffling and just doesn’t have much (aside from a legitimately very cool poster) to attract an audience, but despite that it ends up just on the positive side of that “not giving a shit” line I mentioned above. I honestly feel like its heart is in the right place and that those involved genuinely tried to make something enjoyable.


Escape from Area 51 is currently available on VOD platforms and comes to DVD & Blu-ray on September 7th
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