EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN, Vol. 41 - July 2022

Everything Old Is New Again
Vol. 41 - July 2022

By “Doc” Hunter Bush, Podcast Czar

Howdy everyone. I had originally written a different introductory paragraph but decided to scrap it in light of recent events so that I can - unfortunately once again - offer my condolences to anyone and everyone affected by the state of the country. I try to walk a line between not being preachy or condescending while still standing for what I believe in and, in what should not be a polarizing statement at all, I believe in human rights. It’s that simple.

But I am not here to bum you out (any further), in fact I’d like to do the opposite! My personal opinion is that, when things are awful and you feel like doing nothing, you should try to make something that could bring a little joy into the lives of someone else, someone who might be feeling like you are. So I keep putting out these silly columns in the hopes of giving y’all something fun to read, and maybe bring your attention to a movie or show you might not have been aware of, and maybe THAT will bring you some joy. To that end:

Hello again and welcome to Everything Old Is New Again, my monthly column where I search out all the entertainments coming to screens big and small in the coming month and focus on those that are based on some previous intellectual property or another. This means Remakes of older films, Adaptations of books/comics/etc., and Legacy Sequels that pick up where a movie or franchise left off a while ago. Also down at the bottom I’ll have a Spotlight for something that meets EOINA criteria but is available at home if like me, you’re not comfortable to be back in theaters just yet.

Alright? Let’s do it to it.

PREMIERES
Brand spankin’ new and awaiting your attention

July 1st

Minions: The Rise of Gru (dir. Kyle Balda, Brad Ableson, Jonathan del Val)
Where: in theaters

Let’s talk about things that everybody knows for a moment. The minions first appeared in 2010’s Despicable Me as henchmen in the service of Gru, a bumbling megalomaniac voiced by Steve Carell. Much like Nuprin, they were little, yellow, and different. Unlike Nuprin however the minions took the pop cultural landscape by storm and the world was never the same I guess. People seem to love the little gibberish-speaking, occasionally buttock-bearing creaturoids, enough to warrant their returns in two Despicables Me follow ups in 2013 & 2017, and their own spin-off in 2015 which explains their very odd origins. Specifically the fact that they’ve always existed alongside “normal” humans, for some reason always finding the most evil of masters to serve.

Which brings us to something everyone may not know: the sequel to the Minions spin-off is coming out July 1st! This entry, subtitled The Rise of Gru will apparently answer the question that we’ve all been just frothing at the mouth to ask: What were the early misadventures of Gru and the minions like? Well if the trailers I’ve seen are any indication (and they aren’t always, let’s face it) they look actually pretty fun. Fart bombing packed movie theaters in the ‘70s, using cheez-whiz guns, etc. Then young Gru, who the minions refer to as “mini boss” - showcasing a metatextual awareness that borders on a truly mind-shattering understanding of their place in the world - is kidnapped by a group of I’m guessing also villains for some reason and the minions must learn karate to save him. There’s shenanigans, animal transformations, training montages, and kaiju so all in all I’m probably solidly on board for this. I’ve always had a good time with the Despicable Mes even if all the sequels and spin-offs have left very little lasting impression on my life (more like Disposable Me, amirite?)

My big qualm with these trailers is the use of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” - or more accurately a remix of it - a music choice that is not only bafflingly anachronistic, but also feels …wrong? That song was written for and made famous via Eight Mile. It is specifically tied to that film. So unless you’re parodying or referencing it, you shouldn’t use that song. They might as well have scored the trailer to the song Eminem did for Venom, the lyrics of which as far as I recall are “Venom… ren-ren-ren-ren-renom” and then something about “denim”. But I digress.

Now very quickly let me tell you something that almost no one knows about: The secret origins of the minions! They were obviously inspired by one single moment in Gus Van Sant’s My Own Private Idaho which finds infamous character actor Udo Kier wearing big goofy goggles and riding a cyclopic yellow motorcycle in the desert. Here I present to you the genesis for minionkind:

Is this a coincidence? A mere echoing of form and design that would, on a long enough timeline, all but HAVE to reemerge? Maybe. Or maybe Udo Kier is the alpha minion; the omega minion. Cut me a check, Universal/Illumination!

8th

Thor Love & Thunder (dir. Taika Waititi)
Where: in theaters

Picking up where we last left him, Thor has shed his Avengers Endgame weight (a second training montage!) and found that his once kinda-girlfriend Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) is now actually Thor, or at least she’s the current wielder of the mighty magical hammer Mjolnir and therefore now possesses all of its powers and responsibilities. Weird timing because who should show up but some yassified Uncle Fester named Gorr (Christian Bale) who’s got a grudge against all gods (in the comics, his sobriquet is “the God Butcher”) and is going to endeavor to wipe them all out.

Marvel Comics have always had an odd, anything goes approach to theologies, with most being explained as “they were aliens who primitive humans worshiped and called gods” so it’s not surprising to me to see that other pantheons of space-gods will be showing up. Notably, Zeus as played by Russell Crowe. Tessa Thompson’s Valkyrie and a bunch of the Guardians of the Galaxy also seem to be appearing. This God Butcher storyline comes from a comparatively recent run of the Thor comics that was pretty well received but will obviously have to be handled a little differently in the movie for brevity of both time and content.

I like Taika Waititi. He seems like a decent guy, he’s a snappy dresser, he stands up for marginalized people, and he makes fun movies. He kind of single handedly revived the MCU’s Thor franchise after the floundering of The Dark World by injecting color and humor into things (and not just the snarky, tryhard cleverness that has become Marvel’s house style). Therefore I look forward to seeing Love and Thunder.

13th

What We Do In the Shadows: Season 4 (series)
Where: Hulu

Returning for its fourth season, What We Do in the Shadows promises to somehow be even crazier than in previous seasons. This show, based on the 2014 faux documentary horror comedy from Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi, has only gotten more complex and it builds on centuries of (often conflicting) vampire lore, while also creating its own. That’s not a bad thing by the way, because of the show’s breezy tone and deft hand at catching the audience up (the faux documentary format allows for characters to directly address the camera, which helps).

This season promises horndog Laszlo (Matt Berry) attempting to raise the now toddler-aged energy vampire Colin Robinson (played by Mark Proksch as an adult, and maybe also by him as this kid?) and make him “the most interesting adult there has ever been”, which is just patently not how it works for energy vampires. Meanwhile Nadja (Natasia Demetriou), who I believe is still head of the vampire council (?), opens a nightclub in an attempt to lure wealthy humans to feed on because “(they) are like veal; conceptually repulsive but so buttery on my tongue”, and warrior/wife-guy Nandor (Kayvan Novak) is on his quest to find a new wife that includes magically resurrecting his previous 37 wives, aided by his manservant and default bff, the great vampire killer Guillermo (Harvey Guillén).

This is a favorite show of my house, Mt. Mausoleum. We will be watching.

15th

Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank (dir. Mark Koetsier, Rob Minkoff, Chris Bailey)
Where: in theaters

Though this computer animated samurai tale starring anthropomorphic animals voiced by some of Hollywoo’s most notable voices isn’t directly adapting any one thing, it further underlines the connection between the so called far east and wild west by being inspired by Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles! That’s right. Westerns have always shared a lot of DNA with tales of samurai or ronin - they’re both about dangerous warriors, sometimes loners, who have strict moral codes and are guided by honor, usually in contrast to the villains of their tales, who hunger for power and money.

But it’s still w-i-l-d that Brooks’ 1974 parody of the western genre is the basis for this story about a wimpy dog (Hank, voiced by Michael Cera) who must train (a THIRD training montage!) with a once great samurai (Samuel L. Jackson) to defend his town against bad dogs. It brings to mind (MY mind, anyway) the problem of video game movies. The draw of a game like Tomb Raider was that it was LIKE Indiana Jones, but you could play it at home, the same way Mortal Kombat was similar to something like Bloodsport. But then when you try and translate these things back to the format that inspired them, they just feel trite. I guess we’ll see how universal the tropes and clichés of film westerns are when applied through the milieu of samurai story AND animated talking animal farce. Well, somebody will see, but I’m not personally very excited for this beyond the oddity of its origins.

Where the Crawdads Sing (dir. Olivia Newman)
Where: in theaters

Though I’ve never read Delia Owens’ 2018 novel on which this film is based, it was covered on a special bonus episode of the Disney Deviants podcast, which I’d be remiss not to mention (I *am* podcast czar afterall). The story follows Kya (Daisy Edgar-Jones) a.k.a. The Marsh Girl who, as some narration from David Strathairn informs us, was abandoned by her family and lived alone in the marsh, shunned by the local non-marsh townies. Despite this, she grows up to be very clean and pretty with all her teeth and whatnot and she even has a potential romance with some generic handsome guy. BUT. A murder happens in the swamps and she’s to blame, since she’s a weirdo outsider.

This looks perfectly fine. I love the uncommon setting for this kind of thing; it looks like it’s set mostly in and around the actual swamp, as opposed to being swamp-adjacent and the direction/cinematography in the trailer is very lovely, so if you see this at least it’ll be nice to look at if nothing else. The trailer has a song called “Carolina” playing throughout that, despite sounding like Lana Del Rey to me is apparently a brand new track from Taylor Swift. I’m bookmarking this flick mentally and eagerly await its arrival on a streaming platform, because while I think I’ll enjoy this one, it’s not enough for me to actively seek it out.

Also, I am disappointed to announce that there does not seem to be a training montage of any kind (in that Kya seems to learn how to do stuff on her own, without the aid of a mentor) thus breaking the streak (WWDIS got a pass because it’s a series).

Mrs Harris Goes to Paris (dir. Anthony Fabian)
Where: in theaters

Y’know what I hate in a movie trailer? When a character makes a joke that’s (probably) funnier in the context of whatever scene it’s in, and then the trailer editor cuts to characters laughing in some completely different scene. It’s fucking insulting. As though whoever has final trailer approval thought “if we don’t show people laughing, the audience won’t know it’s ‘funny’”. It’s the same theory as those sitcoms that use pre-recorded laugh tracks and fuck them too.

That’s how the Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris trailer (based on the 1958 novel by Paul Gallico) ends, with the titular cleaning woman from London (played by Lesley Manville) saying that Mr. Dior (of the Dior clothing empire) “looks like (her) milkman”. Presumably whoever had final say on the trailer thought “We better add laughs or else they’ll think that’s a dramatic reveal?” as though we’d think that maybe there would be a third act reveal that Christian Dior (again - French fashion designer) was moonlighting as a milkman in London, a distance of 520+ miles. Because we’re idiots?

Anyway, the plot of this movie is essentially that episode of Simpsons where Marge finds a Chanel suit on a crazy discount and her chic look helps get her and her family invited into Springfield high society. Mrs. Harris (Manville) is a cleaning woman in London during WWII patiently awaiting the return of her husband from the war. One of her patrons has a beautiful and very expensive Dior dress which ignites a fanaticism in Mrs. Harris, so when it is revealed that her husband had died and that she should have been notified long ago, and been collecting her war widow benefits, she decides to use the money (a gift, she feels, from her beloved dead husband) to go to Paris and buy a Dior dress.

Of course the hoighty toighty French Dior employees try to upper crust her right out on her ass before a gentleman (who I believe is played by Lambert Wilson, but don’t hold me to that) invites her to be his personal guest. Things after that seem to get a little bit The Devil Wears Prada, with Mrs. Harris being privy to the inner workings of the Dior company while also doling out life advice and maybe finding love?

This looks super cute and, similarly to Where the Crawdads Sing, I’ll be awaiting the day I can watch it from my couch but I’m not itching to get my Mrs. Harris on.

29th

DC League of Super-Pets (dir. Jared Stern, Sam Levine)
Where: in theaters

In the comics, last I checked (admittedly not that recently) the Legion of Super-Pets were a group of DC animals that were connected to the Superman family of titles and characters. There was Krypto the super dog (Superman’s dog on his home planet of Krypton who Superman’s scientist dad shot into space to test the escape rocket that would eventually save baby Superman’s life), Beppo the super monkey (who had stowed away in baby Superman’s rocket), Streaky the super cat (Superman’s cousin Supergirl’s pet cat who was exposed to some rare kryptonite that gave it superpowers) and Comet the super horse (which, strangest of all was a former centaur now in an all horse body). Later there was also a shape-changing alien named Proty 2.

When I first heard that they were planning on making an animated family comedy with Rock ‘The Dwayne’ Johnson voicing Krypto, I was (no pun intended) super excited because: c’mon! Go re-read all that crazy shit I typed above! There’s so much goofy/weird Superman lore in there and THEN there’s a horse that used to be a centaur! I couldn’t wait to see them explain all this and work it into some kind of continuity (even if it was just for its own sake and wouldn’t be part of a larger DC cinematic universe).

But alas, they have elected to instead create a bunch of easier to understand new characters, all from the same pet store and with the same origin (something also involving a kryptonite shard). They all get discrete superpowers: a turtle that’s ironically fast, a pig that gets big, a different dog that is also indestructible, and an electric squirrel. The plot appears to be a guinea pig (in both senses of the word: a rodent from the species which originated in the Andes that has apparently been used in scientific experimentation) named Lulu which has used kryptonite to weaken and kidnap Superman and only faithful dog Krypto (Johnson) and his ragtag group of pet shop refugees can save him.

Good voice cast in this one, though. Aside from The Dwayne, there’s his ubiquitous real life buddy Kevin Hart, Vanessa Bayer, Natasha Lyonne, and Diego Luna as the Super Pets, Kate McKinnon as Lulu, John Krasinski as Superman, Keanu Reeves as Batman, and apparently Marc Maron as Lex Luthor (who I would presume to be behind the who Lulu kidnapping Superman plot).

This looks fun enough, but I’m not gaga over it. It is unclear from the trailer if there will be a training montage, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed. And hopefully if this gets a sequel, they’ll introduce Supergirl and her weirdo pets. I want to watch them to explain that Super horse to kids.

SPOTLIGHT
Raves from the EOINA grave

What We Do In the Shadows (seasons 1 - 3) (series)
Where: Hulu

I can’t recommend WWDIS enough. If you haven’t seen it, you should check it out. The movie from 2014 seems to only currently be streaming through Kanopy, but it really isn’t a necessary part of the prep for the series. It’s great and I love it, but very little of it carries directly over. Instead watch the first 3 seasons, all available on Hulu, and get to know the ever-expanding cast of characters. Aside from the main stars, last season added Kristen Schaal as an aid to Nadja in her vampiric council duties and previous seasons have featured tons of guest stars and strange characters including vampire dogs, sentient puppets, and half a Doug Jones ancient vampire Baron. It’s wild, funny stuff that is also quite sweet. I literally can’t recommend it enough, but it does get a little complicated as the series rolls along, so I strongly recommend a series re/watch to prepare or refresh yourself before the new season hits.

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Thank you as always for reading and thanks to MovieJawn for hosting and posting. If you’d like to check out the Hate Watch/Great Watch podcast, which I co host with fellow Jawnie Allison Yakulis, we have two episodes which exemplify the diversity of the films we are willing to cover. First on July 13th we have an episode on the truly abysmal Foodfight! (2012) famous for its troubled production, followed by an episode on Gus Van Sant’s 1991 Shakespearean update My Own Private Idaho (the origin of the minions!) dropping on July 17th!

I hope July is a better month for us all than June was but no matter what happens, I’ll be back with a new column next month for August’s releases. See you then!

Until next time - Long Live the Movies!

This piece was written for MovieJawn, a fabulous site where you can find tons of other excellent movie-centric writings, a shop where you can subscribe to the quarterly physical zine, or listen to me on the  Hate Watch / Great Watch  podcast! Support the MovieJawn Patreon here!

"12 Strong (2018)"

The following is my review of 12 Strong, written for Moviejawn.
This is the unedited version, so any spelling or grammatical errors or vagueness is my own.
Plus, I Googled up some pics for added pizzazz.

I was instructed by Moviejawn HQ to focus solely on Michael Shannon for the duration of my viewing of the film 12 Strong; his performance, how his character's actions help move the story along, etc., etc. But bad news: there isn't nearly enough Michael Shannon in this flick.

Don't get me wrong now, I know this is based on a true story (and the book Horse Soldiers by Doug Stanton) but it's still a movie, not a documentary and I intend to talk about it from that perspective. As such, I will reiterate: I am sorely lacking in Michael Shannon in this movie. That isn't to say that the other performances aren't enjoyable. Chris Hemsworth does the stoic action movie thing as Captain Mitch Nelson just fine. Michael Peña is inexorably likable as the sarcastic Sgt First Class Sam Diller, joking about buying timeshares in the middle of a crossfire; Trevante Rhodes makes his performance as Sgt First Class Ben Milo shine through a familiar tough-guy-with-a-heart-of-gold shtick; and Navid Negahban takes you from distrusting his General Dostum to admiring his willingness to make peace amidst a war. All these performances are very engaging.

But none. Of them. Is Michael Shannon.

Shannon (as Chief warrant Officer Hal Spencer) enters in the second scene of the movie. We've opened with pre-9/11 terrorism news footage (for context) and seen Thor's family (his daughter turns off the 1987 Chipmunk Adventure movie to find 9/11 happening), but Michael Shannon and the rest of his team were on a training exercise, waist-deep in a river in full camouflage, complete with face paint, when the attacks happened. Shannon speaks for all of America at that moment in time:

MS: "What happened?"

Back at the military base, Shannon and his crew are trying to process everything and sort out what to do next when Thor shows up. They had been a unit until recently, when Hemsworth had requested a desk job to be near his family but now he's itching to defend America. Only problem is Colonel Bowers (Rob Riggle) doesn't think he can cut it. Luckily, Michael Shannnon is there to go to bat for him, telling Bowers:

MS: "You pull this team, you're cutting the head off of your most venomous snake."


Shannon's wife (Allison King) finds him packing thermal underwear in the garage and, cliche though it may be, Shannon definitely sells the idea that none of these men want to leave their families, but are duty-bound to it. His face when he tells his son he loves him is heartbreaking.

After that, Shannon does what he does best, apparently: standing behind Thor, lending him gravitas through sheer proximity as Thor takes a meeting with Colonel Mulholland (William Fichtner) to pitch himself as the right man to lead the task force into Afghanistan. Perhaps thanks to Shannon, Mulholland agrees. They'll be the first team into the region after 9/11, using (at the time) cutting edge technology to call in precision airstrikes. Hemsworth equates them (through sheer volume of unknowns) to the first men in space, to which Shannon unleashes a charmingly unhinged laugh:

MS: "You know what they sent into space first? A monkey!"


Thor picks his team (spoilers: there's 12 of them) and they find out that they'll be using a sandstorm as cover to fly in to meet their escort, travelling at 1,500 feet in a chopper designed for a third that height, exposed to the elements and without the benefit of oxygen tanks, at the risk of hypoxia. Michael Shannon is the defacto Chopper Cheerleader in this scene, reassuring everyone that they kind of have no choice so why not just get it over with. They land, make their rendezvous, and are lead to an outpost nicknamed The Alamo to await a meeting with Afghan warlord General Dostum (Negahban) who will be their guide in the region, helping them locate Taliban factions.

When Dostum arrives, he mostly ignores Thor, focusing instead on Michael Shannon, who he kisses on both cheeks. Dostum tells Thor that he doesn't have killer's eyes, like Michael Shannon and the others do. Clearly Michael Shannon is the teacher's pet (warlord's pet?).

Up until this point, I though I knew what the drinking game for this movie would be: Drink every time Michael Shannon stands around a little behind Hemsworth, looking like the Serious Man he is, which Shannon has done quite a bit. But General Dostum apparently has other plans: he only brought 6 ponies meaning Thor has to split Task Force Dagger in twain! So, I mean, of course you want Michael Shannon in charge of the Bravo team (who are staying behind at the Alamo) because he's your right hand man, but it sucks for me and any other Shannon-heads because he's effectively out of the movie for half of it!

Eventually the two halves do reconnect, but Shannon's Hal Spencer suffered a slipped disc from riding the horses and spends a lot of the back end of this movie laying down! (For Pete's sake! I came here for the Michael Shannon and now you're just teasing me!) On the positive side, Shannon does have the line: "That's the great thing about air strikes, you can call 'em in laying down!" and in the final action sequence, we get some nice Michael Shannon: Sniper action, but then to add injury to insult, Spencer gets injured.

This is where the movie and I really gelled because at that point Hemsworth's sole focus becomes taking out this big honkin' multiple missile launcher the Taliban has mounted on a pickup because as long as it's active, they won't be able to get a rescue chopper in to save Michael Shannon. And, as though the movie knew it had to make it up to me, it saved the best action sequence for the Shannonless gap right here: Hemsworth, on horseback, leading a group of General Dostum's men directly through a war zone to take out this Rocket Thing. It's a sequence that could have felt very much like a video game, but managed not to. The direction is all very close, showing how all the man on horseback were essentially rubbing shoulders with each other in this assault.

I do have to give this movie props (do the kids still say props?) in one regard though: their treatment of the horses. There were a lot of instances of CG gunfire and explosions, which would usually bug me, but I believe in this instance it was done in service of the animal actors; obviously a CG explosion is preferable to scaring holy hell out of some poor unassuming horse actor who only knows he's supposed to do his "falling down trick" now. There were also two shots of kind of hilariously fake horses presumably getting shot and throwing their riders. Director Nicolai Fuglsig and / or DP Rasmus Videbæk shot around them very well, but I was specifically looking for these type of effects.

In case you couldn't tell from my inability to call the Rocket Thing by whatever its proper term is, I'm not a big military guy and when I do watch a war movie, I tend to go for the older films or the ones about the older wars. Maybe that's because they're over? I'm not sure. Regardless, this movie does a good job of keeping things in perspective. Obviously this is a war that we, as a country, are still involved in so it would be impossible to give the movie some kind of grand scale view of the whole thing, as that would require distance we couldn't possibly have. So keeping everything focused on this team and what they accomplished is smart and effective.

It also avoids pandering to patriotism, which I find incredibly distasteful. "Because America" is never really used as a justification for anything, or a rallying cry, and things aren't as oversimplified as they could've been. Instead the situation with what's known as the Northern Alliance (basically all the disparate military groups that want the Taliban out of that region) is depicted as being a tenuous and complex lacework of smaller alliances; that old adage "My enemies enemies are my friends" is touched on with the caveat that they may not all be friends with each other.

All in all this isn't quite the military movie I was expecting, for better or worse. In my head, it was a wild, horse-ridin', gun shootin' adventure called Them Horse Boyz but the reality was a fairly measured film about soldiers being incredibly good at their jobs and accomplishing one groundbreaking feat after another. If this movie even kind of seems like your thing, I'd recommend it, just don't expect to get enough Michael Shannon.

Article: Remakes, Adaptations and Long-Gap Sequels part 2

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The following is my original, unedited article written in June, 2017.

Plus some pictures for added pizzazz.

The final, finished & edited version can be found here at Moviejawn.

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Moviejawn 2

Remakes, Adaptations & Long-Gap Sequels Part 2:

The Return of the Revenge (July to Dec, 2017)

By Hunter Bush

This summer, in theaters all across the country, if not the globe, Spider-Man is wall-crawling onto screens for the 7th time in 15 years, meanwhile a (Wonder) Woman carries a comic book movie without the help of a man (neither Super nor Bat), and by the time you read this Apes will be at War for the Planet.

Yes, it’s summer time at the Remake, Adaptation and Long-Gap Sequel roundup and I’m here to break down what’ll be coming at you in the ensuing months. This summer will bring Atomic Blondes and Dark Towers (or at least one of each) and we’ll have the chance to see films based on books, comics, movies (some as much as 35 years old) and even a podcast.

I’ve watched these trailers and wherever possible have researched the source materials in an attempt to discern how closely the films may or may not be sticking to those materials. There will be, fair warning, some speculative spoilers though I promise to try and keep it to a minimum. Also, as with my first article on the subject, I will be using certain words and phrases (‘presumably’, ‘apparently’ and ‘it seems’ and their ilk) a lot so if you’re looking for a drinking game… have at it.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against any specific kind of movies and I’m not throwing shade at any of these films just for being a remake or what have you.

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JULY

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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (July 21) - Based on the French comic series Valérian and Laureline created by Pierre Christin and Jean-Claude Mézières that ran from 1967 to 2010 (at first in a serialized format, and later as a sequence of miniseries), VCTP is director Luc Besson’s take on the immense source material. The listed plot of the film deals with a threat to Alpha, the titular City of a Thousand Planets (meaning a galactic melting pot and meeting place for travelers) that must be found out and defeated by Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne) who work as agents presiding over travel through both space and time. The trailers themselves are visual rollercoasters (as you’d expect from the director of The Fifth Element) but don’t give away much beyond that rather vague plot description. Nevertheless, it looks like an absolute blast and a visual spectacle.

The Girl Without Hands (July 21) - Based on a short story collected by the Brothers Grimm (originally Das Mädchen ohne Hände) this animated French language production covers the story’s basics: A Miller makes a deal with the Devil (always a fine idea) for “what stands behind (his) mill”, which the Miller thinks is a tree, but is actually his Daughter (common mistake). Yadda yadda yadda, the Daughter ends up handless rather than become the plaything of the Devil. This adaptation, by Sébastien Laudenbach, is animated in a semi-abstract, ink wash style reminiscent of sumi brush art. It is absolutely gorgeous and I encourage you all to give the trailer a watch.

The Emoji Movie (July 28) - As I mentioned in my previous article, this film is based on the (*shudder*) hit texting phenomenon. Listen, I don’t even know if this technically counts as an adaptation, but I’m listing it because I just can’t wrap my head around it. The exciting-as-dry-toast plot description is as follows: T.J. Miller voices a “multi-expressional” emoji who sets out to become a “normal” Meh. emoji like his parents. Educated guess: he will learn that you should just be yourself and feel how you want to feel, with the help of an all-star voice cast? UGH!

Atomic Blonde (July 28) - Based on the graphic novel The Coldest City by Antony Johnston, Atomic Blonde is a Cold War spy thriller from director David Leitch. Agent Lorraine Broughton (played by Charlize Theron in the film) is dispatched to investigate the killing of a double agent in Berlin. There she is joined by David Percival (another agent, played by James McAvoy) and the two must unravel who killed the double agent as well as track down a missing list of other such agents still in play. Director Leitch co-directed John Wick (sharing duties with Chad Stahelski) so I have high expectations for the action in this flick, though it will be opening opposite The Emoji Movie, which features Sir Patrick Stewart as the poop emoji, so… stiff competition.

An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power (July 28) - The sequel to 2006’s eco-centric documentary An Inconvenient Truth, AIS sets out to bring us up to date on the current state of the world’s global warming problem. Does common knowledge count as spoilers? Cuz if so, Spoilers: things… aren’t great.

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AUGUST

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The Dark Tower (Aug 4) - I’m going on the record right now to tell all you good people that I am wildly excited for this film. The Dark Tower book series is Stephen King’s magnum opus; 7 main novels (plus a cornucopia of related works, spinoffs and adaptations) about one Gunslinger’s quest through a strange, yet familiar world that has “moved on” to reach the titular Tower, with the fate of all things riding on the outcome. Idris Elba is Roland Deschain, last in a long lineage of Gunslingers with Matthew McConaughey as The Man in Black (not Johnny Cash, a different one) the main obstacle to his quest. Along the way Roland meets Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor) a boy from our world who has been seeing visions of Roland and his quest for the Tower. Conceptually, King uses an ‘everything and the kitchen sink’ approach to the novels, with horror, high fantasy and several different types of sci-fi all rubbing shoulders therein. The trailers seem to show locations, events and characters from most of the books but not all of them, so your guess is as good as mine when it comes to what will actually end up on screen.

The Glass Castle (Aug 11) - From the memoir by Jeannette Walls, which apparently spent 261 weeks on the New York Times Bestseller List, this film stars Brie Larson as Walls, and Woody Harrelson and Naomi Watts as her dysfunctional parents. The trailer shows the family, which includes Jeannette’s siblings as well, bouncing from place to place just a step ahead of bill collectors, whom Harrelson’s Rex refers to as “the Feds”. The memoir has some very unsettling elements in it, of which I see no trace in the trailer, so it remains to be seen exactly how faithfully the script follows the book. Definite Oscar Bait material here, but the cast, especially Harrelson seem to really be swinging for the fences. Could be worth checking out.

Open Water 3: Cage Dive (August 11) - Just when you thought it was safe to go back in theater… it actually is, because this long-gap sequel to 2006’s Open Water 2 appears to be a direct-to-DVD / VOD release. It seems to fit nicely in the found footage / shark attack niche with the series’ other offerings, following the (inexplicably as always, captured on amateur video) story of a boat party capsized by a surprise squall and what awaits them in the waters. This trailer is the first I’ve encountered in this round-up to use a slowed-down pop song (well, it’s Row, Row, Row Your Boat but you catch my drift) which is a trend I cannot wait to see become passé.

Tulip Fever (Aug 25) - Based on the novel by Deborah Moggach, the film is a (forbidden) love story set against the backdrop of the Netherlands’ 17th century tulip mania (it was a real thing!). Wealthy gentleman Christoph Waltz hires artist Dane DeHaan to paint Alicia Vikander (Waltz’s wife)’s portrait. The two fall passionately in (forbidden) love and attempt to use the booming “tulip market” to carve out a little nest egg for themselves.

Death Note (Aug 25) - based on the much-adapted manga by Tsugumi Ohba (writer) & Takeshi Obata (illustrator), this Netflix original production tells the story of an average boy (Nat Wolff) using the titular notebook to kill people who he decides are detrimental to the world at large. The book is able to do this because it belongs to- and can control- a shinigami (Japanese death spirit) portrayed by Willem Dafoe. Despite the uproar against the whitewash casting, director Adam Wingard (You’re Next, The Guest) has a fantastic visual and atmospheric sense and I’m incredibly stoked for this to hit screens. Fingers crossed it has as rad a soundtrack as I’m hoping (another usual for Wingard).

Birth of the Dragon (August 25) - Boy, August 25th seems to be the day to release movies accused of whitewashing (as this was over both casting and story focus decisions). All that aside, this is the story of that one time Bruce Lee had a short, private one-on-one fight with a Shaolin Monk and T’ai chi ch’uan instructor Wong Jack Man in front of a bare handful of witnesses. This trailer is Hot Trash® complete with faux dramatic voice over dialogue and cliche imagery that comes across almost as though it were a fake trailer from a genre-savvy comedy. That said, it just might be a perfect Bad Movie Night group viewing experience.

Polaroid (August 25) - This film sees director Lars Klevberg adapting his own 2015 short film of the same name in which two girls discover an old Polaroid camera in a box during a sleepover. The camera appears to photograph an unseen presence that menaces (and maybe kills?) them. The 2017 version expands upon that by having the camera end up at an antiques store where it is found by another high school age girl, who begins to suspect a strange shadow in the photos it takes is directly linked to the mysterious deaths of the photo’s subjects. Despite the definite Final Destination vibe I got from parts of the trailer, one sequence demonstrating why you can’t just destroy the camera / photos is actually pretty cool.

Crown Heights (August 25) - adapted from a story covered by the This American Life podcast, Crown Heights tells the true story of Colin Warner and his best friend Carl King. After Warner is wrongfully convicted of murder, King devotes his life to getting Warner freed. There’s no official trailer up yet but some footage is available in connection to the film winning an audience award at the Sundance Film festival earlier this year. Lakeith Stanfield is playing Colin Warner and for my money he’s an actor to keep your eye on.

9/11 (August 25) - Based on a play by Patrick James Carson, this film (starring Charlie Sheen! And Whoopie Goldberg! And others!) follows 5 people trapped in an elevator in the World Trade Center North Tower on September 11th. I couldn’t find any footage of this anywhere but I considered it part of my civic duty not to let it go unremarked. This movie exists.

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SEPTEMBER

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It part 1: The Losers’ Club (Sept 8) - It is the story of seven unpopular kids, The Losers’ Club, who confront and seemingly defeat a supernatural evil that has been lurking underneath their small hometown of Derry, Maine. When, 25 years later, they are drawn back home by a tragedy they become aware that they had ultimately failed as kids and ‘It’ is back. This is kind of a unique entry as It is both an adaptation of Stephen King’s 1986 doorstop of a novel and a remake of the 1990 ABC two-night miniseries event. The novel and miniseries both devote their first halves to the exploits of the Losers’ Club as children (with a bookend sequence of them in adulthood) and this seems to be doing likewise, though the kids’ pre-adolescence has been moved from the late 50’s to the tail end of the 80’s. There will no doubt be some changes as a result of this, for example a sequence where the kids encountered It via a suddenly possessed picture album has been updated to an equally haunted slide projector, but otherwise this adaptation seems to be even more faithful to the source material.

American Assassin (Sept 15) - Based on the book by Vince Flynn (11th in his Mitch Rapp book series, though chronologically the first) AA follows Rapp (Dylan O’Brien) as he is recruited from “normal” CIA black ops service to a special counterterrorism group with the help of a veteran operative played by Michael Keaton to hunt, essentially one of their own, the mysterious Ghost (Taylor Kitsch).

Stronger (Sept 22) - Based on the book by Jeff Bauman about his experiences after losing both legs in the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombing. Jake Gyllenhaal stars as Bauman, with Tatiana Maslany as his girlfriend and (be still my beating heart) Clancy Brown as his father. Gyllenhaal has been doing fantastic work the last few years and this looks like a remarkable story.

The Lego Ninjago Movie (September 22) - Based on toy line and bolstered by the successes of  2014’s The Lego Movie and this year’s Lego Batman Movie, this 3rd Lego animated adventure sees a group of teens-by-day, ninja-by-night defending the land of Ninjago from all manner of threats including Justin Theroux as the warlord Garmadon who seems somewhat ambivalent that one of the Ninjago teens, Lloyd (Dave Franco) is his son.

Victoria & Abdul (September 22) - Based on the book Victoria & Abdul: The True Story of the Queen’s Closest Confidant by Shrabani Basu, Dame Judi Dench plays Queen Victoria and Ali Fazal plays a servant, Abdul. After breaking protocol and making eye-contact with the Queen, Abdul becomes her personal “footman” and over time, her friend. This seems like a fascinating story and the film has an excellent cast (Michael Gambon, Olivia Williams & Eddie Izzard appear as well) my only quibble is the titles in the trailer that read “The Servant Becomes a Teacher” and “The Queen Becomes a Student” which I find not only insulting but wholly redundant.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (September 29) - I wrote about TGC in my first write-up, but had very little to go on. Now, after having moved the release date back a few months, they’ve finally put out a trailer. So. Based on the graphic novel The Secret Service by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar, the 2014 Kingsman film followed Taron Egerton as the newest recruit into the Top Secret Kingsman espionage organization. After being betrayed by his mentor (Colin Firth) and narrowly avoiding the mass-murder of the human race via colorful head-explosions, TGC follows the Kingsman across the pond to team up with Stateman, their U.S. counterpart. The trailer displays the same bombastic action and stylized visuals that, I hope, become the trademark of the series. I wouldn’t skip this one for a fun time.

Flatliners (September 29) - Based on the 1990 film of the same name, directed by Joel “Nipples on the Batsuit” Schumacher, this film looks almost identical plot-wise: med school students convene in a basement lab and use a sciency machine with head-diodes to kill each other “momentarily” and “for science” but, as you’d expect, traversing from one side of the life/death divide to the other has some… spooky side effects. This time the cast includes Ellen Page & Diego Luna, but (SPOILERS) this film is being listed as a sequel and not a remake, as I initially suspected, so odds are at the very least that Kiefer Sutherland (star of the ‘90 film) will appear...

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OCTOBER

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Blade Runner 2049 (Oct 6) - Another two-fer similar to It, but this Blade Runner is the 35 years out sequel to the 1982 adaptation of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, a 1968 short story by Philip K. Dick. The first Blade Runner was a loose adaptation at best, following Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) as he tracks down and “retires” android Replicants for the Tyrell Corporation. BR2049 sees Ford return, as Deckard is brought out of isolation by a younger Blade Runner (a term not present in the short Dick story, for bounty hunters who specialize in replicants) played by Ryan Gosling. The trailer is full of incredible visuals but not a lot to go on, though I get the impression that exploring what exactly it means to be human will be on the menu (a theme prevalent in both DADoES & BR).

The Mountain Between Us (October 6) - Based on the novel of the same name by Charles Martin, TMBU is the story of strangers Dr. Ben Bass (Idris Elba) and Alex Martin (Kate Winslet) who decide to charter a last minute flight out of Salt Lake City that will get them to their destinations in time for Bass to return to his patients and Martin to attend her wedding. Unfortunately the pilot suffers a fatal heart attack and the plane goes down in a mountain range. Now they’ll have to depend on each other to survive the elements. This trailer paints a thrilling picture, I’ve gotta say, and the one perfect tag-line bit of dialogue “We can go 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water and 3 hours without shelter” really hooked me.

My Little Pony:The Movie (October 6) - Based on the TV cartoon series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, itself a relaunch of the MLP 1980’s toy / cartoon juggernaut, this latest incarnation will see everyone’s favorite (new generation) Pony’s on the big screen. Rainbow Dash! Twilight Sparkle! Crimley Jambo! Jub-Jub! Ok, I might have made a few of those names up, but regardless, they’ll all team up to protect their home of Equestria from whatever threats it may face.

The Snowman (Oct 13) - Based on the novel by Jo Nesbø the film follows detective Harry Hole (ugh) (Michael Fassbender) as he investigates a seeming cold case that he believes is still active, the titular Snowman. A great ensemble cast including Chloë Sevigny, Val Kilmer, Toby Jones, Charlotte Gainsbourg and J.K. Simmons rounds out this thriller that, despite looking rather run-of-the-mill, is from a writer praised for the intellectual nature of his crime fiction.

The Foreigner (October 13) - Based on the novel The Chinaman by Stephen Leather (I know, that title is pretty unwoke, but it was 1992, a full 6 years before John Goodman’s Walter Sobchak would remind us all “Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.”) I saw this trailer in theaters before I was aware it was an adaptation and it looks pretty great. Jackie Chan plays Quan, the titular Foreigner, a man whose daughter has recently died in a terrorist attack and who believes government official Pierce Brosnan may know more than he lets on about the terrorists. The two engage in a cat-and-mouse game where Quan’s less than savory past is put to violent use. Jackie Chan playing even half a villain? Sold.

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NOVEMEBER

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Thor Ragnarok (Nov 3) - The latest in the series of films inspired by the Marvel Comics character created by Stan Lee, Larry Lieber (Stan’s brother) and artist Jack Kirby in 1962, the trailer shows us Thor (Chris Hemsworth) defeated and his home of Asgard destroyed by Hela (Cate Blanchett). Presumably later, Thor (now sporting a much more GQ haircut) does gladiatorial combat with the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) for an otherworldly audience including Jeff Goldblum as The Grandmaster. The film’s plot seems to take its inspiration from a number of different comics sources. Firstly, Asgard has been destroyed a handful of times since its creation, some of them directly in connection with Ragnarok (which is based on the Norse concept of creation-wide destruction and rebirth; a natural fit for comics) and/or occasionally involving Hela. The gladiatorial sequence is what interests me most because while Hulk did end up doing time in a combat arena in the 2006 storyline Planet Hulk, he never battled Thor there and the Grandmaster (a cosmic entity with a thing for games) wasn’t involved.

Blade of the Immortal (November 3) - Based on manga series of the same name (originally Mugen no jūnin literally The Inhabitant of Infinity, which ran from 1993 - 2008) by Hiroaki Samura, it tells the story of Manji, an immortal samurai on a quest to kill 1000 evil men, and Asano Rin, a young girl whose family have been rendered outcasts by the murder of her father and his entire dojo. The trailer (live action, btw) seems to follow this plot fairly faithfully and looks to be filled with over-the-top violence, as you’d expect from (gasp!) The 100th Film by Takashi Miike!

Justice League (Nov 17) - The concept for the Justice League of America was created by Gardner Fox in 1960, and while a great number of DC Comics’ assorted heroes have been members from time to time, the line-up of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, and Aquaman (usually joined by Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter) are the core group, Cyborg not becoming a member until 2009. The film’s plot seems to be Batman (Ben Affleck) and Wonder Woman (Gal Godot) assembling the others (Henry Cavill’s Superman is conspicuously absent from the trailer) to combat some sort of threat from Darkseid (a really bad guy from the planet Apokalips presumably played by Michael McElhatton).

Murder on the Orient Express (Nov 22) - Y’all better be at least passingly familiar with Agatha Christie’s famous 1934 detective story starring Hercule Poirot in which investigates the titular murder using his sometimes eccentric methods… cuz it’s great. The trailer is fairly brief but gets the plot across, as well as projecting a fairly quirky vibe to the world and performances. The cast, lead by Kenneth Branagh as Poirot also features Michelle Pfeiffer, Daisy Ridley, Dame Judi Dench, Olivia Coleman, Penélope Cruz and Willem Dafoe looks stellar.

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DECEMBER

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The Disaster Artist (December 1) - Based on Greg Sestero’s autobiographical novel describing his experiences filming the instant-cult-classic The Room (2003) alongside bonkers auteur Tommy Wiseau, this film stars brothers Dave & James Franco as Sistero & Wiseau respectively and while there isn’t an official release trailer yet the brothers Franco have put assorted bits & bobs online for interested parties to watch. I have to say it looks pretty fantastic and as an unironic fan of whatever-the-hell The Room is (I have many interesting theories) I will be in theaters for this one.

Ferdinand (December 15) - Based on the 1936 children’s book The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf, which tells the story of Ferdinand the bull who would rather lay around peacefully smelling flowers than stamp, snort and compete. One day, after being stung by a bee he is mistaken for a dangerous, fearsome wild animal and taken to “play in the big game” as it were (in this case, appearing in a bullfight against a famous matador). This computer animated film features the voice talents of my favorite new Ghostbuster Kate McKinnon, former Dr. Who David Tennant and WWE superstar John Cena (as Ferdinand).

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (Dec 20) - Based on the children’s picture book by Chris Van Allsberg from 1981 (and with no seeming connection to 1995 film starring Robin Williams (R.I.P.) but, y’know, don’t hold me to that) this reimagining finds four kids doing detention in the school basement / storage shed / what-have-you where they inexplicably find a Jumanji arcade console and get sucked into the game into the bodies of the respective avatars (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan & Jack Black respectively). The big change I can see is that by having the kids drop wholesale into the world of the game we’re losing the magical feeling of the game transforming the players’ reality. Still looks fun.

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